Muchas Glassy - Arse

Life in the 2001 BTRDA Championship

New season, new championship, new driver. Ian Harden registered for the B.T.R.D.A.'s Raceandrally.com 1400 series and had a much-closer-than-intended look at the undergrowth on the Wyedean Rally.

This year's B.T.R.D.A. championship has undergone a re-vamp. Gone are the Formula 2-based Gold Star and the 'everything else lumped together' Silver Star series, to be replaced by three new titles. The 'everything homologated' Gold Star, the 'anything two-wheel-drive' Silver Star, and an all-new 'anything up to 1400 c.c.' championship, sponsored by the "let's lump all the letters in the title together" company, Raceandrally.com.

Each round now becomes, effectively, two separate events, with the 1400 category running about twenty minutes ahead of the main field. This means that the lesser power of the little'uns isn't so badly affected by the severe chewing-up of the stages by the four-wheel-drive boys. Unfortunately, the Gold Star contenders, who, hitherto, were able to run on clear tracks, now get to eat dirt and have their fillings loosened, just like the Silver Star lads have had to endure.

I thoroughly enjoyed the Gold Star series in 1998 and 1999, but missed most of season 2000. Then, the opportunity arose late last year to co-drive with Alan Spratt, a refugee - due to lack of finance - from the VW Polo series. He wanted to do as many of this year's B.T.R.D.A. rounds as money would allow, so we headed for the traditional first round of the championship, the Wyedean Rally. This consists of nine or ten stages around the Forest of Dean / Chepstow area.

The M4 has never been my favourite road, and the abysmal standard of driving gets even worse on Fridays. Three sets of roadworks between Junctions 13 and 18, none of which appeared to actually employ anyone, delayed the anticipated 5 o'clock arrival at Chepstow racecourse. Scrutineering, for me, is all part of the fun of rallying, particularly early in the season when you can watch a car come off the trailer and then watch the annual rebuild begin. However, after an hour and a half's wait with still no sign of my car or crew, watch and wait becomes worry. I 'phone the hotel, to be told that everyone is on their way to meet me. This causes total confusion in the Harden mind as I don't remember telling anyone where the hotel was. Perhaps I'm rallying with Scuderia Psychic. The noise test consists of waiting for the man with the meter to make the joke about "Now turn the engine on and rev. to four and a half thousand". He duly obliges, and we reply with chortles of unbridled mirth, leaving him happy in the knowledge that none of us has ever heard that side-splittingly amusing remark before. Scrutineering is surprisingly thorough, and it is testimony to the standard of preparation of the Polos that the car sails through, even gaining outright praise for the little touches that have gone into it.

Back at the hotel, late in the evening I receive a 'phone call from Andy, Alan's co-driver last season, who's kindly come along to help out. It appears that the other hotel I've got him into, supposedly just up the road, is, in fact, some 45 minutes away. I make myself as popular as a headcold by telling him to drive faster in future.

Saturday, 7 a.m. Breakfast. Weetabix, 2. Banana, 1. Cup of tea, 1. Puke pill, 1. All present and correct? Good. Alan is a no-show but Ian, the mechanic, devours the full fry-up. I return to the bedroom and a minor panic ensues. Alan's sitting down, sheet white, and informs me that he's just endured the unexpected return of last night's dinner. I ask him if he's okay to start the event and he says he'll be fine once we're on the road. Thinks: it's the co-driver's job to chunder, not the pedal pusher's. Lines of demarcation and all that, bruvver.

A short road section from the start at Coleford takes us to Stage 1, sponsored, rather ominously, by a local firm of memorial masons (that's headstone makers, for the uninitiated). It's extremely muddy, so Alan takes it very carefully just to get through.

Stage 2, the strangely-named Sallowvallets, is six miles long and even more slippery, with the added fun factor of a very fast downhill bit before going square right into hairpin left. The Pirelli tyres, which were the control tyre for the Polo Challenge, choose this moment to prove they are totally unsuited to the terrain and memories of the Durex "Sensitol Lubricated" advert go through my mind as we head for the hairpin, brakes fully on, still approaching warp speed.

At Stage 3 Arrival, the co-driver of the following car, a Peugeot 106, asks if we mind if they go ahead of us at the start. The Law of Sod now gets invoked. In view of the no-grip situation we say yes, sure. But Speech House proves to be a different surface and we're much faster. Halfway through we get slowed as the Peugeot's gone off and we get to play "Dodge The Damage".

Stage 4, Blaize Bailey, presents no problem but on the short Stage 5 at Chepstow racecourse, we round the blind right-hander at the flying finish to confront another Peugeot 106, being pushed by its crew and some spectators. Fortunately, the long service halt which immediately follows affords me the time both to stop shaking and change the Nomex knickers.

The first competitive run of the afternoon is at Chepstow Park. Leading the 1400 field are the husband and wife crew of Chris and Jo Tooze. They're ahead by a handful of seconds from Les Allfrey and Simon Pain. Both crews run, surprise surprise, Peugeot 106's. Snapping at their heels is the wonderfully-named Dave Brick, in his Darrian, co-driven by Richard Wills. Alan and I are languishing somewhere near the back of the field overall, but Alan feels a lot better than first thing this morning and wants to have more of a "go". We get faster as the stage progresses until, on the last straight before the finish, we hit a patch of 'black mud', a completely gripless slime which has caught out Ellya Gold and myself more than once. Immediately we're pitched sideways and forwards into a bush, then backwards across the track and up the bank. To the accompaniment from Alan of "Don't go over; don't go over; Oh, shiiit!" the Polo slides down off the bank and rolls onto its side. Spectators arrive and Alan encourages them to get us back on our wheels. I get a peculiar sideways-on view of the next competitor going past, speed unabated. Make mental note to turn the telly on its side the next time I watch BBC's Rally Report to get the same effect. After a bit of rocking to and fro, we're up straight again. My side window has cracked and now comes in on me. Much of it lands on the maps and I automatically shake them. This deposits the whole bloody lot in my lap. We complete the run in this state of "muchas glassy-arse" and survey the damage. Luckily, we've only sustained dented panels and are okay to continue.

The following road section is not too draughty and Stage 7, Trelleck Common, is only two and a half miles long. It's heavily potholed, though, and each bump shakes more of the window remnants into my seat. A real denture-disturber of a pothole on Stage 8, Mailscot, forces us to slow down as Alan thinks the steering may be damaged. We get passed by a very loud Lada, painted a fetching shade of white with red polka dots. Reminds me of an infection I got once; wonder if they work for the Measles On Wheels service.

The team patch us up at management service and the last two stages, at a very rutted Speech House and then at Yorkley, are completed as fast as we can go. It's a really strange feeling to be back at the finish by 4 o'clock but that's the advantage of running ahead of the field. The down side is I have to wait until 8 o'clock until results are declared final. In the whole event we finished about 130th, and tenth in class N1. This was from a field of 180 starters. The 1400 part of the rally was won by Chris and Jo Tooze, from Gareth Lloyd-Davies / Rob Jones in a Nissan Micra. Rupert Hopcraft / Kevin Devine, also in a Nissan Micra, tied with Mark Simpson / Kevin Bardon in their Vauxhall Nova for third.