Mystic Max's Almanac

Isn't astrology a wonderful pastime? I've been having a good long look at my crystal ball recently and I foresee that I shall have to consult my doctor about it next week.

However, what does the future hold for Southern Car Club in the coming year?

January
Problems at the dinner dance, I predict. Complaints are rife as one table is served their first course well ahead of everyone else. Colin Early is asked to sort the mess out because, with his experience at the '96 Would Be Good Stages, he is used to dealing with jumped starters. Last minute special guest Nigel Mansell sends everybody off to sleep with a two hour speech on his Formula 1 career and future plans.

February
Following in the footsteps of Harri Rovanpera is the latest Finnish hotshoe, Pervi Boglurka. As a shakedown for the British Open series he wins the Winter Rally with a works Hindustan Ambassador, co-driven by Harpo Wakkibakki. To keep up their policy of welcoming allcomers the Mintex series organisers promptly create a 'Foreigners With Very Silly Names In Peculiar Cars' class.

March
Neil Cloughley makes the mistake of entering his tiger-stripe liveried Renault Clio in the Longleat stages. He is pursued all day by two wildlife park wardens in an ancient Land Rover who keep trying to shoot the car with a hypodermic dart. He eventually escapes by hiding in the huge cloud of steam created when the Clio's head gasket lets go again.

April
As Catherine Phillipson spends more time navigating for different drivers, Richard will 'go it alone'. He sets off for the Rally of Dieppe. Unfortunately with his hitherto total reliance on a navigator he is last seen heading north through Tring. Later in the year he competes on the Tour of Mull, believing it to be the Rallye De Mont Blanc.

May
After his excellent placing in a 1600 Sunbeam in 1996, Mark Straker wins the Millbrook stages driving a Fiat 126. The service area is declared a nuclear danger zone when the engine melts down after being thrashed so hard. For years to come, marshals manning the stage finish will be in demand for night rallies due to their ability to glow in the dark. It is later announced that Friends Of The Earth are to sponsor the 1998 event as long as Mark doesn't enter.

June
Roger Binyon's DAM 4100 finally appears and he is 'befriended' by Rob Arthur, intent on coaxing Tony Pond out of retirement in an updated Metro 6R4. Resplendent in its dark grey colour scheme they take it to an open test session at Mallory Park. Unfortunately it is mistaken for the 'General Belgrano' and torpedoed by a submarine lurking in the lake.

July
The club's barbeque is judged a roaring success, despite the strange food. When the caterers are unable to appear, Sue Smith nips down to the shops and buys five loaves and two fish. Stuart Turner, specially invited for the evening, then performs a very neat trick so that everybody gets fed. Even though five thousand people attend this is still not good enough, says Sue Winwood.

August
The normally sunniest month of the year starts with an endless deluge at the mere thought of the Would Be Good Stages running. Staff at Goodwood racecourse are seen building a large ark-shaped object on the Downs above the circuit. Vanessa Linley competes despite suffering from the condition known as left-right blindness. She is penalised for illegal pace noting after a sheet of paper reading '100, fast turn towards me, into immediate slow K towards you, then go and see that bloke with the clock' is found in the car.

September
Mayhem abounds at the Cones slalom. Chris Eames enters in what he describes as a Mini. Nothing untoward is suspected until he turns up with the rebuilt 1970's 'Stripteaser' dragster. Several marshals are deafened and suffer smoke inhalation as the car has to perform a burn-out before each run. The ever-present black horse from the adjoining field gets loose again and sets fastest time on two of the tests, closely pursued by Joe White. Lloyd's Bank show an interest in sponsoring the next year's event.

October
James Potter appears with a new Escort featuring an experimental axle, turned through ninety degrees, so that he can drive sideways down the straights as well as in the corners. The Mintex series announces a separate class for Tanks and Armoured Fighting Vehicles. Robert Marshall and Jason Waterman make enquiries about having a turret and gun fitted to the Lada.

November
Strange events at Xenophobia PLC when Chrissie Chorley renews her company car. Rick pleads poverty as the reason for offering her the choice of a Lada Samara 1.1 or a secondhand Polski Fiat. However, funds are soon made available for a Bentley Mulsanne Turbo and people naturally wonder why. Chrissie merely says that she "had a quiet chat and negotiated a deal". At about the same time, Rick is seen wearing a new necktie shaped not unlike a Southern Car Club golf umbrella.