Sad Git

I deny all knowledge until I have spoken with my solicitor!

The winter months are bad enough, but spring is almost with us and we are still being deprived of our motorsport due to the damned F.A.M. outbreak . . . so why is horse racing given the all clear whilst the viral scourge rips through our country?

OK, I will attempt to bring a little humour into our sad lives -from an equally sad one, but at the same time I hope to enlighten you too!

I know most of you are worldly-wise travellers, and it might not come as a surprise to learn that every commercial airport around the world is identified by its own unique 3-letter code. Believe me, there a literally thousands of 3-letter codes. Some are obvious to translate - AMS is Amsterdam - MAD is Madrid. But some are less obvious, and despite 20 years in the aviation industry I still do not know how the hell Toronto is abbreviated to YYZ!

We don't get too many "train spotter" types at Gatwick Airport, but believe me there are an awful lot of "anoraks" up in the spectator gallery, each knowing every aircraft type, it's seating capacity, distance range, logo's and colour schemes . . . . yaaawn . . . . sad people! But, worst of all, the most sinister of these airline buffs lies deep in the bowels of darkest Gatters! Lurking amongst the thousands of innocent personnel with their plastic smiles, you will find the deadliest fiend of all . . . . the Baggage Handler. Don't mess with these guys, especially in a pub quiz, for these fellas have a world geographical knowledge to be proud of . . . . no, feared!! These fellas know their 3-letter codes. Sad, sad little puppies! To these guys, BMW means Belep Island Indonesia - BDA is Bermuda, and MPG is Makini Papua New Ginea. OK, I looked in the book myself - MSA equates to Muskrat Dam, Ontario. Sounds good to me!

OK, the primary function of these people (boys and girls) is to locate baggage which has been reported missing by hapless passengers travelling the world, and to repatriate them with the minimal fuss and time. BUT dear reader, it is not always possible to locate a direct flight to a required destination and interlining is the the only option. No problem, this practise is common-place to speed up travel connections for passenger and baggage alike. Last year I flew from London to Atlanta, via Detroit and Memphis. Sure, that was a long way 'round (because all the direct flights were full), but I made it and so did my baggage - much to my surprise as the baggage-tag was like a piece of wall paper hanging of my bag . . . . . LGW/DTW/MEM/ATL, with all the appropriate flight numbers accompanying each sector. The principal is also extended to lost baggage. Most bags are sent A-B, sometimes A-B-C. It happens all the time. This is where the fun starts, and it's not beyond the baggage handlers to route bags to Billings (Montana) via Jersey . . . . simply to see JER/BIL (gerbil?) stuck on a blokes bag! Heaven forbid if they are really bored and route a bag through Safford Arizona (SAD) to Geita, Tanzania (GIT). You're learning, the tag reads SAD/GIT, and so it goes on! Depending on how bust or bored they are . . . . Madrid (MAD) to Sorocaba, Sau Paulo (SOD), or the funniest . . . . Armidale, NSW (ARM) to Pittsburgh, you've guessed it (PIT) reads ARM/PIT. Some wag even managed to route a consignment through Washington, Maryland to Sumenep, Indonesia for a WAS/SUP! Sad? No, listen missus this is the really sad part. I have been told that they sometimes read the 3-letter airport codes from car registration plates when they are on a long journey . . . . what? I can just imagine their excitement when they see a code they recognise (it isn't easy . . . . so I am told!) They'll be in their element if the van arrives from the funny farm bearing the registration MAD - they'll probably be laughing too much to realise that they've just been scooped-up in it!

But . . . . it gets worse . . . .

These baggage handlers collaborate with colleagues in other airports, and many of them know each other personally! That's the honest truth. They talk to each other via airlines' communication system, much like the internet. They even use pseudonyms to hide their real identities. The cheeky beggars even use their airline discount travel scheme and meet colleagues at various cities around the globe. Twice yearly they'll meet together somewhere for a weekend of beer, culture, beer, fun, more beer . . . . all of them staying in the same hotel of course. Oh dear, oh dear. Can you imagine the stories they swap? It's not unusual for them to meet in the bar one night . . . . now, that could be the Irish pub in Stockholm, or any one of the bars in Brussels. Don't ever go to one of their beach parties . . . . you never know exactly which beach they'll nominate, and you can bet your life it won't be in this country. Believe me, this tale is 100% genuine. Sure, those baggage handlers help each other out, much like an airline's Masonic Lodge, and it's not unusual to see items being transported from one country to another if it is difficult to obtain somewhere. Nothing "funny", just ordinary house-hold items - a newly published book (in English) to Cologne - a bottle of Newcastle Brown to Bangkok (because the local "Singa Beer" tastes like dish water!) Other products have been exported as far away as Cape Town and Perth. It has also been known for one "member" to read a copy of the Argos catalogue, order it via the telex system, and have the chosen item delivered to them on the next "flying visit", or by "other means", S'not unusual to quote Tom Jones!

Seriously though, the baggage handlers do have an important role to play in civil aviation and they receive very little credit for their vast wealth of geographical knowledge. In the 21st century, we are plagued with ISO9000 regulations to which we must adhere, and numerous restrictions imposed by the Civil Aviation Authority, the Federal Aviation Authority (USA) and the Ministry of Transport. Bring in a few interfering noses from the ever present Ministry of Agriculture Fisheries and Foods (MAFF) . . . . or should that be the Ministry of Agriculture Fisheries and Foods in Airports (MAFFIA?) . . . . and we are looking at one word . . . . . Accountability. Huh, you thought I was going to say something else! No, dear reader, accountability is a big headache to baggage handlers because they can no longer loose bags which have lain unclaimed for weeks on end . . . . by flying them into the Bermuda Triangle! Actually, their technical terminology was called Bombayment, and I am told it still works even in todays strict environment. To dipose of unwanted, unclaimed baggage was easy prior the Lockerbie incident, An expedite or "rush" tag would be made out for a flight to Bombay, then connecting with an internal dosmetic flight anywhere within India. Anywhere would do - it mattered not, 'cause the bag would never bee seen again! The same scenario still occurs with any airport in Egypt without the intervention of baggage handlers' sleight of hand!

Another old trick, before the collapse of the Berlin Wall in November 1989 and Communism in the Soviet Union, was a little more difficult but equally effective. The infamous "3-way Communist No-hoper" was responsible for more stuff disappearing than Paul Daniels and Ronnie Biggs put together. This trick involved and initial flight into Romania or Poland . . . . strike one! The next flight would take said unloved item over the border and into the Soviet Union - Leningrad or Moscow . . . . strike two! The third and final leg would take the consigment of dirty underwear and smelly socks deeper still into the Siberian hinterland. Vladivostock or Yakutsuk . . . . strike . . . . . now where the hell did that go? I nver heard of one item making a return journey!

But these days of accountability means x-raying ALL items at least twice - a physical hand-search, where all the contents are removed (tried-on, tasted, and played-with), and then the bag x-rayed again when empty. All the contents are methodically inventoried as it is replaced and logged. If the bag is locked - not to worry, these guys have a large selection of keys, screwdivers and bolt-croppers, enough to keep the best of Moss Side happy for hours. Before it goes anywhere near an aircraft, the bag in manifested and x-rayed (again!) and secured before it is waved goodbye.