What(!) Car Review

Everyone is aware what dire straights the motor industry is in, what with the European market being so much cheaper than its British counterpart—something we've all known about for decades - and the rumpus between BMW and Rover. For sure, the British motor industry is in for a pretty rough ride and I can foresee many drastic changes on the forecourts in the next few years. To be honest this revolution is long overdue and very much welcomed by the over-taxed, ripped-off motorist. One beggars to ask how long it will be before the tax on petrol will be brought down to other European prices. Don't hold your breath waiting!

From what I can see, the motor industry in general is its own worst enemy. It would appear that all the designers have been exported to other industries and the new car designs are sub-contracted to the dreaded computer.

Look what happens when a computer designs a car and all the requirements are the same, regardless of whether the computer works for Vauxhall or Suzuki. The same rubbish will result.

Many years ago when I worked in the retail motor industry, we conducted an experiment whereby six cars, all white, were stripped of their corporate tags and placed side by side. In the line-up, from what I can remember, were a Talbot Sunbeam, a Ford Fiesta, a Vauxhall Nova and three other models that I can't remember due to the onset of Alzheimers! The general public were then invited to inspect each of the vehicles and identify them. Over 75% failed to do so correctly!

Unfortunately the same problem exists today. One only has to look at the Vauxhall Agila, the Suzuki Wagon R and the Daewoo Matiz to appreciate that they all originated from the same dustbin! They all look alike and they're all UGLY. I fact there are more ugly cars on the road today than I have ever seen before. Want more evidence of this rash statement? No problem Jimmy... the difficulty is knowing where to start.

Personally I think that Ford started the rot with the Scorpio. Well equipped it may be, but what a pig to look at: and as for the Ka.....come on! The focus isn't much better either. There must be something wrong with the vehicle range when the most attractive one in the fleet is called a Transit Van!

Another city car that must have come out of a Christmas cracker, as the joke, if not the silly toy, is the Mercedes Smart. Apparently the dashboard is designed/built by Swatch, the watch makers, but it comes to something when WHAT CAR don't list it under Mercedes. When I checked this the answer was a curt “Well would you list it under the Mercedes badge?” Enough said there!

The next in line the A160 doesn't fare much better either, bearing very similar design features as the Smart—and nearly as ugly too. Whilst I'm having a pop at the Germans, have a close look at (the soon to be released) Audi A2. Oops, I really think someone has goofed here chaps. I believe its due to be released in September, but it's a cross between a Ford Focus and Audi's even uglier current model the TT225. Come on chaps and chappesses, hand on your heart, tell me it's a beautiful cat and keep a straight face! Sure it may be beautifully bolted together and it's sure to be impressive on the open road—but beauty is definitely not its strong point. Putting it bluntly it is nothing more than a VW Beetle on steroids.

That leads me nicely to VW. When I first saw the new front engined version of the Beetle (in the States 18 months ago) I did not like it—not one iota. But, since seeing one here in the U.K.- complete with Herbie decals - I warmed to it slightly.

It will never be a replacement for the original rear-engined Beetle, nor will it sound the same, but I'll leave it off my hit list. Let's finish of the German market with a look at the BMW Z3. I am sure it is beautifully built but not even the intervention of Mr Brosnan as 007 could make it a likeable car. Never.

The French aren't so clever either - Renault's Scenic is a positive winner at the ugly bug ball, beaten only by its little sister..... the Clio. What a shame, its predecessor wasn't so harsh on the eyes as the newer model. The only thing worth waiting for are the sensual women in their TV adverts. A final slap at the French manufacturers could only be with the supercar Bugatti ET110. Once billed as the fastest road car in the world, with a top speed of 200 m.p.h., one can only hope that the blurred vision of passers-by may defend the reputation of such a well-respected marque.

To be honest I have never been a fan of FIAT. The fact that they own Ferrari still can't make me like them. I took an instant dislike to their Bravo and Brava models - but then I saw their latest creation, the Multipla, and immediately reached for the sick-bag, Seriously this has got to be the ugliest thing on four wheels. Unbelievably hideous, beyond all possible belief!

Don't think that the Japanese marques have escaped my attention. I have already mentioned two of them—the Suzuki Wagon R & the Daewoo Matiz. Piglets! The Hyundai Amica continues the same trend of unattractiveness, as does the Toyota Yaris. Recently Honda unveiled the Honda Insight - put the wraps back on chaps and go back to the drawing board! My pet hate has got to be the Nissan Micra. Horrible little rat-cars - I never liked them. The only good thing was watching them in a crash test (which it survived quite well, I must admit) - They simply lack character.

Finally the British market doesn't come out of this squeaky clean either. I've already had a pop at Ford, but their sister company Jaguar have rally come unstuck with the S-type, which I honestly find really sad. Jaguar have such a reputation for building fabulous sports cars and luxurious executive cars - their pedigree is beyond reproach. The old Mk11 can still turn heads now, almost 40 years after it was first introduced, but to try and emulate this the old lady has simply produced a latter day ugly duckling. To me, the front and rear facets are all wrong. Are you sure it's not just a Rover 75 with a Jag badge on it? It may well be beautifully built to all of Coventry's expectations and I am sure that the leather upholstery is a delight - but - they've got it all wrong. Again I ask you, hand on your heart, "Do you really think it is beautiful?"

Maybe we could have a vote and see which are your top 5 ugly cars. Write to your magazine editor and let him know. For me it has to be: